Tag Archives: humour

Web of Deceit

Posted on by
Reply

 

The Webmaster spends all day in his web
And lingers there still when he heads off to bed.
He’s constantly adding or fixing up strands –
Incredible what he can do without hands!
Like moths to a flame, we’re all drawn to his skill
But when we get stuck, he moves in for the kill.

Go near to one link and all will be fine,
Go near to another, and then, by design,
After the Webmaster hacks you to shreds,
He’ll leave you to hang there on old webbish threads.
And though you may think that he’s there to assist,
There’s really no point in attempts to resist.

The Server’s another who plays his own games:
Impassive, unreachable, serves us, he claims.
Protocols, scripts and his own endless jargon,
If allowed to logon we must think it’s a bargain!
All pretence of freedom is just a sick joke:
Make the wrong move and your cash turns to smoke!

The Webmaster, though, is the one we must heed
And live by his opaque and meaningless creed.
With eight bulbous eyes and his striped, hairy legs,
He’ll have you for breakfast and savour the dregs.
You never know when he’ll get more hunger pangs,
So I suggest you stay alert for his fangs!

Stephen Tomkins
7 November 2015
Shanghai

spiderinweb

Down Among The Dead Men

Posted on by
Reply

flash-and-the-pan-down-among-the-dead-men

“Down among the dead men,” droned the song.
How could they get it so terribly wrong?
So sexist and so morbid too!
It clearly needs a whole redo!

We all know people will pass away,
And sometimes they get led astray,
But female persons all need inclusion –
“PerSONS! Don’t need that confusion!

People of the female kind?
Yes, that’s better, I think you’ll find.
“Down” – that word will never do!
There’s implication there, quite taboo!

“Down” suggests there must be “up”,
So please don’t drink that poisoned cup!
Paternalistic condescension!
No! Level playing field by convention!

“Dead” is clearly too judgemental.
It seems to me more incremental.
So, how would I rewrite that line?
It took some time to redefine:

“People of the non-female kind
Communing in peace and harmony
In a state inconsistent with being fully alive,
While affirming the choice of each
To abandon hierarchical stereotypes.”

(With apologies to Flash and the Pan)

Stephen Tomkins
Perth
29 October 2015

Derided Nations

Posted on by
Reply

topics_unitednations_395

Not that long ago, in the great scheme of things,
A group of Prime Ministers, Presidents, Kings,
Concluded the world could be far safer place
If they frequently met and discussed face to face
The problems and issues that each of them felt
Could only by unified measures be dealt.

And so, they created a wondrous place
Where each could speak freely, without losing face.
They haggle and barter and argue and then,
Reach an agreement, start over again:
One of the Big Shots disrupts with a veto,
Sinking all Progress, just like a torpedo!

Despite all our talk and our self-exaltation,
We’re only attuned to the wants of our nation.
And so, they continue to meet in New York,
With pomp and with grandeur and barrels of pork!
Hope for the future? It seems, not a lot.
For better or worse, they’re the best that we’ve got!

Stephen Tomkins
21 September 2015

Singapore

Quite A Ride!

Posted on by
Reply

images

Living is a serious matter
Though sometimes it can be good fun.
Don’t listen to the media chatter:
Eighty years? A damn good run!

At first it’s clearly all uphill,
So much to learn, so much to do.
It doesn’t seem to change until
Responsibilities accrue.

Then down the other side you fly,
Slow at first, then ever faster.
Try and try you might deny –
The view behind gets ever vaster!

Stephen Tomkins
5 June 2015

Fully Sick, Bro!

Posted on by
Reply

12sick

“Cure your ills with these here pills,
As easy as can be.
With my prescription in your hand,
You’ll soon be fit as me!”
The Doctor, smiling, showed me out
And took me by the hand.
His Secretary, smiling too,
Then charged me seven grand!

I hastened to the Pharmacy,
They welcomed me right in.
And when they saw my list of pills,
They wore a hearty grin!
“These pills aren’t on the PBS,
So sad, you’ll have to pay!”
I grabbed my pills and paid the bill,
Still shaking with dismay.

I found my way to Medicare
And settled in a chair.
The crowd of people waiting there
Near drove me to despair.
When my turn came, they shook their heads
And said it’s just the rule:
The scheduled fee is very small,
The refund’s minuscule!

Thankfully, the pills did help,
I’m working overtime.
When I was sick, the bills I paid
Were really quite a crime!
So when someone you know’s taken ill
And turns a little green,
And says, “I can’t afford to be sick!”
You’ll know just what they mean!

Stephen Tomkins
15 November 2014

Roam

Posted on by
2

original

We fall asleep and then wake up –
There’s nothing new in that.
It’s where we go when somewhere else
That’s worth a little chat.

It seems that slumber sets us free,
Just how we’ll never know.
Our spirits wander far and wide
To stage their nightly show.

We find ourselves as Presidents,
As tyrants and as Kings,
As heroes and as fugitives,
And a thousand other things.

We fall asleep, we fall in love,
We fall off mighty cliffs.
We save the day, we play guitar,
Composing catchy riffs.

And all the while, we stay at home,
But nothing ever changes;
While round the globe and into space
Our spirit freely ranges.

I like to think, when life is done,
And night becomes eternal,
I’ll find myself still free to roam,
Released from chains nocturnal.

Stephen Tomkins
20 October 2014

Solemate

Posted on by
5

16639323-smiling-young-woman-sitting-among-her-shoes

There was a girl I used to know,
She, past my desk, would to and fro,
Delivering mail and other things,
A whiff of perfume, I’d have wings!

Infatuation ruled my life
And soon I found myself in strife.
Distracted from my work was I
As back and forth she’d catch my eye.

One day I took my chances, and
With racing heart and trembling hand,
Caught her attention as she passed
And asked her out: she smiled and laughed.

That night I picked her up at eight
On what, I hoped, was our first date.
She said she couldn’t stay too long:
There was a sale on heels.com!

I should have seen the warning signs:
Her interests lay in shoe designs!
She loved her pumps, I now can see,
And leather boots much more than me.

Aghast, I finally understood:
I’d lost her heart to clogs of wood!
So happy did she seem that I
Could only smile and say goodbye.

Stephen Tomkins
2 April 2015

PS. Before I left unnoticed, I left her a note that said:

“I wish you and your shoes many happy years together”.

 

Singapore Storm

Posted on by
Reply

article-2160988-13A02133000005DC-751_634x423

The heavens blackened, down it came!
It never slackened, just the same
The lightning flashed, the thunder roared,
And all the while, the torrents poured.

My ears protested, all in vain
As I ingested airborne rain.
Umbrella useless, shelter nil.
The air took on a nasty chill.

The sun admits defeat and sets;
The moon remains in bed and frets.
Sloshing home, knee-deep in water,
Lightning bolt now poised for slaughter.

Unscathed, I somehow make it back
Without a jump-start heart attack!
In steaming tub, I’m thawing out,
There’s zero chance there’ll be a drought.

Stephen Tomkins
14 March 2015

Guess where?

Dinner For One

Posted on by
Reply

nighthawks-diner-wikipedia

The restaurant was quiet but not for very long.
The volume still was building and now it’s loud and strong.
A flock of eighteen women claimed the tables next to mine,
A-clipping and a-clopping and a-looking very fine.

A gentle wave of perfume softly found its way to me,
A pleasant fresh aroma, an aperitif for free.
The laughter and the chatting, like an endless flood of sound,
Gossiping and joking and occasionally profound.

It seemed to me as though all at the same time they were talking,
Gesticulating, nodding and occasionally some squawking.
They must have paused for breath but just when is not so clear.
It’s very entertaining – a cabaret of cheer!

Stephen Tomkins
12 September 2014

What’s For Tea?

Posted on by
2

confused_fi_jpg

I simply asked what I should eat;
Advice rained from the sky like sleet:
Eat more of this and less of that.
Avoid all foods containing fat.
Eat less sugar. Eat less salt.
Cook your food by lightning bolt.

Leafy greens and oily fish
Must adorn most every dish.
Eat less red meat, leaner cuts.
Stay alive by eating nuts.
Omega 3 and red krill oil.
Remove the skin and cook in foil.

Right! I think I understand!
At last I have my diet planned.
Wait! The experts changed their mind!
And what did this new research find?
Eat less of this and more of that.
Eat more foods containing fat.

Try more red meat. Add some wine.
Eat what you like! You’re doing fine!
You need more sunlight. Exercise.
Add to your diet more meat pies.
Just wait a while and you’ll agree
It’s very hard to plan your tea!

At least you still can drink my shake
And eat my guilt-free Muffin Bake!
Infomercials? Good advice!
You should try my Wonder Rice!
I like to play upon your guilt,
And thanks to you, my mansion’s built!

Confused-Woman-200x300

Stephen Tomkins
19 November 2014